Today was a DOOZY. (actually…make that Wednesday was a doozy….I started this five days ago)
I’ve been looking forward to this morning because I had an appointment to see Charlene, my counselor.
I woke up early and decided I had time to do my training run for today….45 minutes of alternating between 5 minutes of run and 1 minute of walk. The first mile was a little slow because a traffic light had me standing still for about a minute and a half. I made up time during the second and third miles. And then at about minute 41, I made the turn on to what was going to be the last stretch of my run when BAM!
I think my foot must have been dragging and caught on something. Before I knew it my body was falling fast towards the ground. I had no time to think and landed quite squarely on the cement, aware that my face had made 3….2….1 CONTACT with that cement.
I pulled my hands up from under my body and rubbed my nose and mouth and saw only a tiny, tiny little bit of blood. I was fairly certain I did not have a bloody nose, but my two front teeth hit the ground. I could feel the “ouch” on my teeth and I hoped that I was not going to be toothless. (side note: growing up my dad had a Christmas record of the 49ers singing a song called “All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”.)
I walked the rest of the way home crying my eyes out. Nothing like a good shock to the body to elicit the emotional catharsis that relieves the soul of its pent up angst.
My instinct was to call John. But I stubbornly did not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much I still need him. Kind of pointless considering he will probably be the first person to read this post.
I wanted to call …. so here is part of the story I haven’t revealed yet … in the last two years I have encountered two men who have been dear to me. Each unique with wonderful potential to share a love that I so very much want to share. And at this moment, neither one of them will communicate with me. Each is such a rich story or humanity. Anyway…..I wanted to call one or the other, but knew that neither would answer my phone call.
I walked that last part of the way home sobbing and sore.
In a whirlwind I got home, showered, and rushed off to make my Charlene appointment. It wasn’t easy because I was pretty beat up.
I did end up calling John and he gave me sympathy, even offered a virtual hug. I told John, I am super thankful it wasn’t worse. On that stretch of sidewalk there is often glass, but not where I fell. And often I run with my phone in my hand, but that day the phone was in my pants pocket, safe and unscathed.
I had a powerful session with Charlene. Followed by a frustrating hour and a half oil change on my van – which I NOW have to do since I am “I-do-the-car-stuff-husband-less”. After the oil change I was headed to John’s house to spend time with Benjamin. On the drive to John’s house I prayed, “God, please send me a message from one of your angels.”
And GUESS WHAT!!!
I got to John’s house, parked my van, and went to the mailbox and in the mailbox was an answer to my prayer. One of my angels from whom I have not heard in a long time, sent me a card. The card had two butterflies, my reminders that my life is in metamorphosis and change and beauty. Her words in the card encouraged me so much. She wrote about life being a roller coaster, how we lift each other up in prayer, and about personal growth with God by our side. She wrote, “It is so great that you can be so honest about your struggles – great for you and great for others who need to know they aren’t alone.”
Hallelujah…..absolutely. We are not alone. God is with us. Which really should be enough. But for me, it’s not. I need solid human bodied angels to sit with me, hug me, smile at me, scream at me, listen to me, and all the other things that solid human bodied people do. YES, yes, yes, we are messes and we are difficult and we mess up. But can you imagine what it would be like if we didn’t have people?
On the training plan for the half marathon, today (today, Saturday) was a test. I ran a 5k (3.1 miles) with all of my best effort. This run sets the expected pace for the rest of the training and for the half marathon.
I completed the 5k test in 36:40. A strong 50 second/mile improvement over my recent runs,…..but not where I want to be on this pacing chart. So I have a lot of work ahead of me.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. Stay tuned.
Love you all….your wounded, but healing friend. -Maria