For John

This entry hasn’t stewed or percolated like most entries.  John kind of pressured me to do some writing, so here is an impromptu post.

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Life sucks!!

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I KNOW there are WAY bigger concerns in our universe than the fact that I am single, but life sucks!!!!

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Guess what.  When people are hurt they get angry and when they get angry they hurt other people.

I have been hurt, angry, and hurtful.  And I am here to put a stop to this right now.

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Some people have a very literal view of the warfare between God and the Devil.  I am going to write this entry from that point of view.  However, I want to preface by saying that I don’t think it is all this literal.  I think each of the characters in my story are metaphors for something that is bigger than my words can explain.

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I heard it taught that when you are doing God’s will the devil will attack.  The closer you are to God, the harder Satan will wound you.  Satan is pretty crafty and shrewd. He knows he does not need to bother with a person who isn’t focused on God.  That person will manage to go and cause their own self and other destruction with no assistance from him.

I have often wondered if that isn’t what happened to me.

Two years ago when I was going through chemo I was radiating..and not from the treatment.  I was relying on God and I was praying and I thought John and I were doing great.   I was writing and inspiring others and I know I was shining for God.  And then on August 17th this person came into the picture.  He seemed like another answer to prayer.  He wondered if he was the devil.  No, I insisted it was not possible that he was the devil.  But for some reason, as I sit here today I wonder, “Was he the devil?’

By the end of September everything blew up and the path of separation was inevitable.

I spent a year and a half in an odd state of bliss.

But by January of 2017 the bliss turned to something dark and ugly.  In February the shifts towards darkness were harsh.

It is SOOOOO odd how what was happening with me emotionally and relationship wise mirrored what I was feeling on our political front.

By about May, June, and July I felt so alone and abandoned.  I was hurt.  I was mad.  I was sooooo mad at John, and all those stupid men #1 through who knows.  I was lashing out at people.  I was angry at my church for 201 reasons.  I was shutting people out and I was angry.

Except with my boys….the last time I displaying my despair in front of Cole I saw the hurt I caused.  They inspire me to be a better mom.

I went on a solo trip around the state.  I went on a New York trip with Benjamin and Cole.

And tonight the devil hit again.  I think I have been tricked by a person.  I’m not sure.  One of my neurosis is paranoia.  If you don’t believe me, let me tell you.  Before my cancer I didn’t believe that anyone other than my family really loved me.  I imagined everyone was talking behind my back.  It’s one of the many things about me which John had to suffer through.  So anyway, I’m still not sure that what I think happened to me isn’t paranoia…but I am pretty sure it happened.  I was tricked.

And at this point in my life I could really sit here in my home and break every glass, pull at my hair, scream at the top of my lungs, and hate the world.  It’s really not that hard to hate the world these days.  There isn’t enough sheetcake in the world to calm the weary soul of a bleeding heart liberal.

But hallelujah!

All my years of prayer, study, and noticing the “coincidences” is saving me tonight.

When people are hurt they get angry, when they get angry they hurt others.  Please, when you see someone doing something hurtful, please….please, take a moment to wonder what has made them so hurt.  I know it is our instinct to blame, judge, and hate people who do hurtful things.  But, having been there recently, I can tell you that people who are lashing out need more help than you can imagine.

I don’t know if any of this makes any sense….it’s a little word barf….meaning I just let the words come out of my mind onto the page.  Usually I take days to write an entry.  But for John, this is it.

I will let you muddle through my words or just skip this entry.

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Prayers:

—-Dear God, please heal my heart, help me trust you first, and please bring me someone to love and be loved by.

—-Dear God, please help me to see that the people who do hurtful things are people to whom hurtful things have been done.  Help me have compassion.

—-Dear God, please protect us from all that keep us from knowing your love, knowing how others love us, and all those things that are false.

4 thoughts on “For John

  1. As always, thank you for your honesty. These are the words, reminders and the kind of vulnerability we/I need in friendship and this world. With love and appreciation. – Sarah

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  2. From my values and ethics class: Treat the bad contractors in the same way you would treat the good contractors. Because at the end of the day, you can sleep at night knowing you were consistent and did not give in to stereotypes. Maybe you were duped, maybe you were not. In the end, you assumed there were good intentions and treated them that way… so sleep well at night.

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  3. So my friend helped me understand this post a bit better. She wondered why I was so vibrant and strong and what happened between then and now. What is different. One “aha” moment was a realization that there is a big difference between having cancer and getting divorced. For many reasons, when you have cancer people come out of the woodwork to help you. For many reasons, when you get divorced it FEELS like everyone is abandoning you. I know it’s not true….but for many, many, many reasons I feel abandoned.

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