About a week ago I stood in front of a room of about 150 people, mostly older, many pastors, mostly caucasian, all members of churches in my denomination.  I was presenting some financial information and before my time was done I was declaring myself undeniably ugly.


About 5 days ago I got caught up into Facebook discussions about kneeling during the national anthem and  ended up stating, “I’m turning vile.”  Within five minutes of posting, I logged back onto Facebook and deactivated my account.

Fertig!  (Look it up, it’s a German word.)


Somewhere in the middle of this I had a several hour conversation with Man#3.  At a certain point he hit one of my nerves to which I reacted and within a few minutes I was in tears stating how unattractive (not physically, but just as a whole) I am.  He did not let me get off of the phone.  I will not hang up on him, so I was stuck on the phone with him.  He verbally wrestled me to the ground until he showed me the potential I have to be beautiful.

The next day our text conversation turned to butterflies…

#3:  A butterfly may have a tendency to act like a caterpillar again sometimes.  But its still a butterfly not a caterpillar.

Me:  :)…I don’t know.  I think a butterfly is still a caterpillar to its core.

#3:  Then why is it prettier now?  Why does it fly now?  Why is its name changed to being called a butterfly?  The caterpillar literally dies before it becomes a butterfly.

And then he asked me to watch this…



I’ve got a lot about which to write.  I attended a conference with Karen and Alice on the topic of how beauty will save the world.  The three of us went to The Apprentice Gathering in Wichita, Kansas last year and had such a God filled time we agreed to return together this year.  Turns out none of us was particularly inspired by a conference title:  Beauty.  Turns out we were all amazed and inspired by our speakers.

I am going to spend some time looking for, observing, being thankful for, and writing about beauty.


Right now I am sitting in Topeka, Kansas….

I’m reflecting on the irony of this place and time.

I am off….gotta get to Kansas City to see my second family.  🙂  More soon.


6 thoughts on “Butterflies

  1. I’m always amazed at the miracle of transformation…no matter the path it takes. And of God’s perfect plan for how it happens.
    NT Wright speaks of one of God’s attributes is beauty. It gives me hope for my own transformation–made in God’s image to live into God’s image. Thanks for the post.


    • Church can aid or hinder the processes of transformation.

      Conference pointed out how the narrow narrative of substitutionary attonment isn’t the whole story.

      Made in God’s image would be a welcomed message on a Sunday morning. Especially if it doesn’t come with a “Yeah, but….”. What I get from church is that there is nothing good in me. Anything good comes from God. That worked ok when I was shiny and pretty. But now that I’m ugly I just feel hopeless.

      Why does recognizing God’s creation of us as good and pleasing to God have to be “cheapening grace”?

      God is bigger than any of us…even the collective us … could possibly comprehend.


  2. ….and my logical mind understands why I’m divorced. But the irrational, primitive mind can’t help but feel I must not have beauty, for if I did I would not be abandoned.

    If #1 and #2 would dare to explain to me why, perhaps my primitive voice could be silenced. Perhaps that’s why I seek so desperately to hear words of adoration from a man, from a church, …from that primitive voice itself.

    All the while Beautiful God… who is jealous …. pursues my beauty.


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