I was talking with a co-worker, getting some beautiful spiritual guidance, when I heard my cell phone ringing down the hall. I got back to my office and listened to the message. It was the dry cleaners:
Hello. I’m call from Bright Cleaners about uuuhhhhh…two sweater. And these two sweater uuhhh both of them have uhh moth holes. So it’s kind of a lot so I’m not going to clean them. Ok? Thank you. Bye Bye.
One is a few years old, just a comfy, oversized sweater.
The other was one I just bought last year, a bit pricey, wool with a owl, I hardly wore it.
Both had been quashed into a back corner of the closet that used to be “John and my closet”. Over the past year I have emptied the walk-in closet of most of my stuff. A few things remain: Some items which I will give away to some rummage sale, my pajamas for the two nights a week I stay at the house (while John goes to my mom’s), a few pairs of shoes, and apparently a bunch of moths.
I had been talking to my co-worker, lamenting my frustration and sadness over the divorce and the way things are proceeding when I came back to hear my two sweaters were moth eaten beyond repair.
“Perfect! Just Perfect!” I muttered to myself. “Stupid moth infested house where ^%%#%#^….” Well, it’s best I keep my thoughts to myself.
But it reminded me of this old post from my Caring Bridge archives….
Journal entry by Maria Rodriguez — 4/24/2016
Last year at this time John and I had a moth problem. Our kitchen pantries had become infested with tiny moths. We attempted to fix the problem by smashing every moth we could see and shutting the cabinet doors. The tiny little space holes of the cabinets we filled with tiny pieces of paper towel – I think we thought we were keeping the moths out of the cabinet. We thought we had those moths conquered. But the moths were not conquered. Ohhhh, quite the contrary. There in the dark of the cabinets the moths multiplied and multiplied. Unbeknownst to us they were thriving in the dark. They got into everything, including fully sealed granola bar wrappings. Just about everything in our pantry had become infested with moth maggots and had to be thrown out into the trash. It took months for us to finally get rid of the moths.
This year, to our utter dismay, the moths returned. You’d think we would be efficient enough to just fumigate them away. Why we didn’t…well that’s a topic for another day’s writing. We took a whole different approach this year. Rather than put the moths in the dark, John and I threw open the cabinet doors and let the light shine in. We figured those tiny little destroyers of our sustenance thrived in the dark. Rather than try to defeat them by closing the cabinet doors let’s keep the cabinet doors open. Amazingly, it seems like the wide open cabinets are not a hospitable place for the moths –the destroyers of our sustenance do not like the light. They seem to be gone.
A couple of posts ago I mentioned my three D’s of the last year. Disease, Death,and ….
For the last six and a half months I’ve kept that third D relatively in the dark. But here it is…divorce. Ughhh….the inside of my pantry is SUCH a mess! There is a reason I don’t have glass doors on my kitchen cabinets…I don’t think anyone wants to see what a mess is on the other side of those doors.
Perhaps Caring Bridge is not a place for me to make this statement public. From the beginning I’ve wondered why there is isn’t a Caring Bridge for emotional ailments. Many times since October 1 (which is the official date of John’s and my separation) I’ve wondered, “What if I had my prayer army on guard for us the same way you were during the chemo treatments?” The fight has been fought, the tears shed, and the mountains climbed. Lots of talking with each other, with others, with ourselves, and with God has taken place.
I’ve attempted to tell as many people as I could face to face. I’m sorry if this is how you are hearing about it for the first time. I can assure you I have wanted to tell you. But when I saw you, I didn’t want to ruin the moment we were in. I’m just to the point where I can’t keep retelling this circumstance over and over. And I’m to the point where I don’t want to be in the dark about it. The divorce will be complete on July 10th.
If you really know me…I hope you know I am pretty open to talking about the truth of my life. Please talk to me about this if you want. Don’t talk about it if you don’t want. It’s not unlike my approach to my cancer….just approach me as you feel moved (by the spirit, by the universe, by your ego…whatever you call that thing that moves you).
As a family, we are doing well. We have had a core group of people praying for us and advising us and caring for us. John and I have a long history of keeping our cabinet doors closed on this issue. This isn’t the first bump in the road. It’s the end of a very long and bumpy road. He and I agree that we have just come to a point where we cannot see eye to eye on a few very, very significant issues.
If we invite you over to dinner (for now we still live peacefully in the same house)…my guess is I will close the kitchen pantry doors before you get here. Despite my willingness to let the light in, I don’t want to burden you with the view of our pantry that is poorly organized, full of old expired cans of cream corn, and just a mess. It’s not that I’m afraid to show you what’s inside. I just don’t want to unnecessarily burden with the ugliness. But if you want to see it….just ask. Maybe we can start with a good talk over a cup of coffee or a long walk up on the levy.
We love you all…and thank you for your support through everything. The three D’s cannot defeat us.
I always have John proof read my writings…his three comments:
—“You’re telling people about themaggots? That’s gross!” …really John, we’re talking about divorce andyou’re concerned about the maggots.
—“I like the line, ‘He and I agree that we have just come to a point where we cannot see eye to eye on a few very, very significant issues.’” ….really John, because you’re the one who told me that is how we should describe the situation.
—“Are we really inviting people over for dinner?” …you all would be surprised at how much laughter John and I have been able to maintain in the midst of this all. Despite our differences, John and I have shared a strong faith in God and Jesus. Despite our circumstances John and I believe somehow God who knows our hearts, who knows our hidden places, who knew us before we were knit together in our mothers’ wombs, and who knows exactly how everything works out…that God has us in the palms of His hands. And for that we are eternally grateful.
Well, back to today.
“(for now we still live peacefully in the same house)”…..yeah….not so much today. I’d just as soon not be around John at all these days.
I’m at a new phase where being pushed down onto the ground has lost its novelty. Prayers:
–to stay centered on God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit
–to act lovingly, humbly, seeking justice while knowing justice is (more often than not) inaccessible in this world
–to trust that following Jesus is the way to know God’s kingdom of heaven