Half way through the race I fell and pulled myself up and kept going.
Half way through the race I fell.
I pulled myself up.
I kept going.
I wanted everyone to know that I fell. I wasn’t just another runner crossing the finish line. I wasn’t just 787 of 882 runners.
I’m the girl that fell at the halfway point and got back up.
I wanted some special medal that said, “She got back up!”
I was talking with someone from church yesterday. We met to have a listening session. He would listen to me and I would listen to him.
He thought I chose the divorce. He thought I had this near death cancer experience, I came to some sense that John had not been treating me well, and I chose to divorce John.
I know he isn’t the only person who thought that. I know probably everyone who doesn’t know the facts thinks that is what happened.
And I want them to know that isn’t the case. This wasn’t my decision. NO! I didn’t just FALL down, I was PUSHED down. I was pushed down and I got back up. I was pushed down, and down, and down again. And each time I got back up.
I want to exhibit the fruit of the sprit of self-control. But this morning it just hurts a little too much. So I am coming to you, my small group of co-lifers. I know you, who read this blog, are a small group. And I know most of you know and love John. And I know tonight I will go with John to watch Cole’s band perform and we will all get along. But right now the pain in my heart hurts so bad I just need to get it out. And writing is a salve for my weary soul.
I am always so confused. The two years since October 1, 2015, when John decided he would divorce me have been a series to tiny wounds, like a super painful bandaid being taken off a millisecond at a time. Each step of separation has been slow and painful.
We are at a new phase.
Up till now John has continued to be the person I go to for my emotional support. He has listened to my stories of ups and downs about man #2 and man #3 (not prickly…gosh…still need to come up with a better name for him.) But now John is starting to date. And it just seems so darn easy for him. And I’m mad that it all has been so easy for him. Everything in the divorce has gone the way he wanted it to go. And I feel like it’s validation that I’m the ugly one, always have been the ugly one, and forever will be the ugly one. I want to lay down and sometimes I literally just want to go into oblivion. But I get up each day and receive what I can from whom I can when I can.
Later that same day….actually it’s 12:58 AM….so it’s later the next day.
Some days are so hard and then I am reminded how madly in love with God I am. Over and over and over again my faith in God shows up to me.
I was going to tell you this story about a package that arrived today at literally THE PERFECT moment. It was a bit of a boring story, but the point was that the timing seemed divine and a reminder to trust God’s timing in my life.
Did God make it so that I arrived just at that moment? Did he slow traffic for me, or did God speed up traffic for the Fed Ex driver? I don’t know. I think God could do that. I think God usually chooses to let things play out as we each choose – aka free will.
I do take moments of perfect and unexpected timing to remind myself that my faith is all about trusting that things will work out in their perfect timing.
Tonight at dinner there was a plate of about 10 fortune cookies. I got this one….
I’m the girl who keeps getting back up because the love of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is abundant.
I’m the girl who sees beauty because she knows God sees beauty.
I’m a thankful girl.
–Prayers for people who I know who are in very deep depression. I know the feeling of wanting to go into oblivion, of wanting to die. I know it when I see it in others. I know a beautiful human being. I am a beautiful human being. I pray that somehow depression can be smattered to oblivion for a couple of people who need to be free from the constant torment of depression.
–Prayers for people who help others get back up. Prayers of thanks for counselors and pastors and teachers and parents and siblings. Dear God, please comfort and strengthen these loved ones. Help them have a way to receive healing and rest too.
–Prayers for me to figure out the confusion that is in my mind. I am so tired of it.