The God Particle


John and I have progressed through divorce in a unique way.  October 1, 2015 was when John said he would divorce me.  I think it was July 6, 2016 when the courts “restored my status to single.”  Some time around Fall of 2017 we completed our legal separation of assets.  And now, sometime in the last couple of months, John has begun a new relationship.

Somewhere in the last three years a friend at church said, “I don’t know how you do it.  If we got a divorce I would not be sitting next to my exhusband in church.”

It’s the God particle.


Every major step of the way I released my needs and desires for the sake of another. (PLEASE…please don’t think I think ANYONE should do things the way I have done things.  I truly am not here to tell anyone what they should do in the face of conflict.  Each situation is different.  John and I have a uniquely unique relationship as does every person reading these words….all 5 of you…ha hahaaahhaaaa.)  I have been imperfect and I have been an active participant in discord and strife and stress that was and is and will be divorce.  AND…I have chosen the path of least resistance.  Every step along the way I have released my needs and desires for the sake of another.

It’s the God particle.


The God Particle is also known as Higgs Boson.  One of my ways of describing it is that the God particle is the unknown that is among what we know.

According to the opening lines of the Wikipedia page for Higgs boson is this:

The Higgs boson is an elementary particle in the Standard Model of particle physics. First suspected to exist in the 1960s, it is the quantum excitationof the Higgs field,[6][7] a fundamental field of crucial importance to particle physics theory.[7] Unlike other known fields such as the electromagnetic field, it has a non-zero constant value in vacuum. The question of the existence of the Higgs field became the last unverified part of the Standard Model of particle physics, and for several decades, was considered “the central problem in particle physics”.[8][9]

It is the purpose for the Swiss particle accelerator which once threatened to blow up the world in its search for the God particle.

Another way I describe it is that it is the space between the mass.  If you take my body and separate what is known – protons, electrons, etc., from what is unknown (God particles), the known part would fit on a spoon.  Here is a quote from a Guardian article:


I wake up in the mornings and THAT is when aloneness hits the hardest.

This week John decided I can no longer be at his house when he is there – he wants me to never be there but he is working with me to transition. Also this week I handed the key to that house to John.

I thought we were different.  I thought we could co-parent our kids together.  I go to that house most every school day morning by 7:00 to make breakfast and sack lunch for Cole.  That house has things I treasure and I left those things there because I wanted that place to be the home it was.  For almost two and a half years this model of being divorced worked.  I drove back and forth every day to maintain the beautiful parts of our family.  We ate dinners together, we traveled together, we had family meetings together.

But now something tells John that we shouldn’t do this anymore. Yeah, I know….I know…that something, those someones….they have been telling me that for years.  They have been telling me I shouldn’t have let John determine the legal settlement.  They told me I should get a lawyer, when John went into a tizzy thinking I was going to make things contentious.  They told me I shouldn’t be going to his house to do his laundry and buy his groceries and cook his dinners.  But I didn’t listen….because every step along the way I have released my needs and desires for the sake of another.

The God particle.


I woke up this morning and had time to just lay there.  I thought I’d go back to sleep but I let myself feel my aloneness.  My body started to curl up into the fetal position.  The aloneness was palpable.  The aloneness started to FEEL bad and I closed my eyes and I prayed, “God, please let me feel YOU.”  And I became aware of that space that fills the majority of everything we know.  I became aware of that unknown stuff that is the Higgs boson.  I became aware that God is in each and everyone one of us.

John 14:20

20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.

Anything good that comes from me, Maria, is because every step along the way I have released my needs and desires for the sake of another.

  1.  I put my sons before myself.  I know most any child wants to see their parent happy and thriving.  I want to show them how to flourish in adversity.
  2.         I put God before myself.  I don’t listen to what others say over what I hear God            saying.

Last year I met Man #3.  He brought me 4 CDS of God music, each with it’s uniquely lovely beat.  Here is a song from the CD titled “Maria’s alone with God Music.”  Man #3 gave me these CDs he had assembled (like an old fashioned mix tape) when I thought he barely knew me.  Yet each time I listen to these assortment of songs I am reminded that Man #3 said early on, “I’ve been talking to God about you.”  Mans #1, 2, and 3 ALL do not want me to contact them.

Aloneness, abandonment, confusion, I wonder “WHY?!”

But God speaks to me and tells me, “Maria, I love you.  Maria, these men love you.  They are confused.  Maria, I love them.  But Maria, sometimes we love with everything that is in us and those we love….well, they turn away from us.  They don’t realize that they are turning away from life giving love that doesn’t want to harm them or restrict them or hoard them.  Maria, look at my son, Jesus.  He loved and he didn’t fight back when he was struck.  He could have fought and won, but he let them turn their backs towards him…because he loved them.  Maria, I am love and love is in and among everything.  Do not fear.”

All of John 14 is wonderful.  Here it is complete, it is Jesus speaking to those he loves.  It is God speaking to YOU…thanks for reading.  It helps me soooo much to write.  Thank You God for loving us and never leaving us alone.

John 14 New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Comforts His Disciples

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus the Way to the Father

Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”

Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 10 Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11 Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. 12 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me.Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

22 Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”

23 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

28 “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29 I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 30 I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me,31 but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.

“Come now; let us leave.

7 thoughts on “The God Particle

  1. Love you….transition time is hard but remember our little badger friend, your are a ‘honey’ and these feeling will come and go like the tides. You do have our number❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ahhhhhhh yes….as the day ends, I know that many see what I am not letting myself see. Even John sees what I will not let myself see. I am dragging the transition out slowly because I can’t let go. Honestly, if a knight in shining armor had come to “save” me I would not even give all of this the bat of an eye. I would have ridden off into the sunset, an incomplete artwork. John is trying to quicken and catalyze the inevitable end. I’m thankful for the path I am on. I am thankful I have had the last two and a half years to sit and simmer in the messy juices of this stew. I am thankful for sadness and aloneness as it is deepening me and refining me. I am even thankful, in this moment of centeredness, for the ways that John is cutting me off now. When I come out I am going to have a super, bionic heart.


  2. Treasure your honesty and vulnerability, Maria. I do believe Christ calls us to give up what is hurting our relationship with Him, then go through The Void of suffering/loneliness/emptiness/anger/confusion/loss of security and safety before we can truly come out on the side of the Kingdom of God. We don’t know what life will look like at that point..who we will be. But we do have all the promises God and Jesus have given us about living in the unshakeable Kingdom of God. And we do know that going through suffering in order to truly experience the Kingdom makes our lives and our relationship with Christ within SO much better. I just finished a book called GOD SOAKED LIFE. I am going to make a valiant effort to copy the last 3 pages of the book and email them to you. They REALLY helped me, and I pray they do the same for you. LOVE YOU!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Oops! Sorry, we were out of town. How about coffee and a movie?? But not tomorrow, but I have a show. 🙂 Or you can go to the show with me.


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