It’s not loneliness….or it’s not JUST loneliness.
I’m awake again. This week has not been a normal week. I am on morning 3 of 4 where I have time to lie in bed before having to get going on my day. I am on day 3 of 4 where I have time to feel this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it’s not loneliness.
I’m not a lonely prone person. First off, with God I am never alone. Second off, I really like solitude and silence. Third off, I know that I have a plethora of people who love me. And fourth off, I remember there were times when I was married and I woke up in the same bed with John, with our backs to each other, and I know I felt alone then, and it didn’t feel like this.
I think part of what I am going through is withdrawal.
Last night I heard Rob Bell speak on “Holy.” There are many points I want to share and process and write about what I heard him say last night. I don’t want to forget what I heard him say last night about holy being fear-ness and weirdness and “in the circle.” One thing he said was that the early stages of falling in love with someone stimulate the brain in the same way that cocaine stimulates the brain. Perhaps I am going through withdrawal of falling and being in love.
I also heard Rob Bell say that everything does not have to make sense. A ton of bricks lifted off of my shoulders. For the last two years I have been waiting for everything to make sense. Yet, as God told Job, it’s really not for us to makes sense of everything. For two chapters of the book of Job, 38 and 39, God asks Job, “Who are you to question everything? Were you around when all of this was created? Did you see all of this come into being?” And in chapter 40:
Then Job answered the Lord:
4 “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
5 I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more.”
Rob Bell told us 7 stories. They were 7 small stories of odd and interesting experiences in his life. When we was done there was nothing that made sense to those 7 stories together. Rob Bell said, “Draw a circle around ALL of it, and that is holy.” Here are 7 of my stories:
- The night John and I became a couple was in December 1988. He asked me if I “wanted to play the game.” I said yes and then he said he was going to the Recreation Hall on the UC Davis campus to excercise and I went to call my friend Nick to tell him I had my first boyfriend.
- Some time in 2005, when my dad was dying of cancer, John and I drove to Napa for a weekend trip and told each other we were not happy in our marriage. We had a wonderful weekend together and agreed we would not get a divorce yet since we didn’t want to disturb my dad with such bad news.
- Around April 2015 John and I left the doctor’s office and I was scared. I received the news that I had a very large tumor in my abdomen, it was lymphoma. I was scared, not of dying, but of burdening my family with seeing me ill. In a strong voice, John said he could handle it. I knew he was the exact person I needed by my side at that moment.
- August 17, 2015 Man #2 (from 25 years ago) found me on Facebook. The reconnection was like cocaine. I told John about the reconnection and every step of the way asked John’s permission to continue connecting with Man #2. Man #2 and I communicated mostly with texting and email. 5:30 in the morning was the time we most often communicated and I got to a point, even after our connection was broken, that I would wake up at 5:30AM automatically.
- I went on a field trip with Cole’s school, to Monterey Bay to whale watch. I spent the whole time throwing up over the railing of the boat. I don’t think I ever want to go whale watching again.
- Man #3 made me four CDs of music, wore a bracelet that said “gentleness”, has a laugh that makes my insides feel warm, and was most communicative by text after midnight.
- I look at my phone and there are no text messages. There are no text messages at 5:30 AM, there are no text messages at 9 PM, there are no text messages at midnight.
Have you ever developed a dependence on something – that wasn’t God? When does dependence become addiction? Do you know that physical feeling of withdrawal?
I think that is what I feel when I wake up.
On December 25th I lost my cute little pink MacBook. From the time I bought it in May of 2016 till the day I lost it, I had it with me everywhere. It had my pictures and my writings and my music. It took me a couple of days to fully realize that the laptop was gone. In those two days I did everything I could to locate that laptop. I had failed to set up it’s location settings so I couldn’t “find my MacBook.” I was feeling that pit in my stomach.
On Thursday I bought its replacement. The same model and color and size. I’m using it now to write this entry. I’m happy. 🙂