You know something has gone your way when you look upon your children and think, “Hmmm…I would like to be a little more like them.”
A movie and a TV show (is that a word “TV show”?) have impacted me. I can’t get some scenes out of my mind.
“Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri” is about a mother’s tenacity to keep local law enforcement focused on finding the killer of her teenage daughter. “Broadchurch” is about a small town that is impacted when a young boy is found murdered.
What I can’t get out of my mind are the scenes of the mothers expressing their anger in ways which are so real to me. None of this is easy to watch. You see these women angry at people trying to comfort them. You see these women unable to laugh or relax or take a deep breath. You see them and wonder, “Why are they so mean?”
Yesterday there was a threat at my son’s school which forced a total evacuation of the site. Tuesday at 11PM, I received an automated phone call that there was a credible threat to a student and increased police on campus could be expected. I heard that half of the students didn’t attend school on Wednesday. I checked in with my kid on Wednesday morning and, once I understood he was not afraid to go to school, I sent him on his way with an “I love you.”
On Friday I was at work when I received an automated phone call from the school principal saying that many students had received threatening text messages and we could keep updated by following the school on their Twitter site.
I don’t have Twitter. (The school did an exceptional job of handling an impossible situation. I don’t mean to imply any complaints against the school.)
Within five minutes John and I got a text from Cole which, on first glance, was scary.
Within 10 minutes it became clear the school was being evacuated.
It felt a lot longer than 10 minutes and in that time I imagined active shooter scenarios.
Yep…..that’s the first thing that comes into a mom’s mind these days. Active shooter.
I almost can’t live with myself. On Friday I lost grip of myself and was angry at the world. It was extremely ugly and I wish I could go back and change the words I said in anger. I wish I had not gotten angry. AND, I KNOW…I was angry. Right now as I write this my head is spinning.
I think of my mid-80s lady friends who are stoic. I had lunch with one of these ladies on Friday. These ladies want to be like their mothers who handled everything. I look with love on these ladies and think, “You were probably once emotional. But the world, your moms, your husbands, maybe even your kids told you that you needed to be strong. So you became stoic.” With great honor, I hear the stories of these ladies and I know they are vulnerable too.
I think of my mid-to late-40ish college friends. And I can hear them telling me, “Maria, do not stop being you! Don’t let people tell you not to feel! You deserve to feel what you feel.”
My head is spinning.
Do I put up a strong front or authentically display my fragility?
I’m OK. I am going to be OK. I think a lot. I feel a lot. It’s who I am. Maybe this is why I am single, no one can handle this. John wanted me to take medication. Others want me to take medication. And I just want to be me even if it means I live alone in a house with an angel cat raised by nuns.
Tonight I captured 15 minutes with both my boys. We did a little devotion time. As we ended, the older one did a closing prayer for us. I admired the way each of them are handling circumstances in their family, world, and school. I am thankful they are a good mix of John and me.