Thank You Alanis

I will move on from going through the various Fruits of the Spirit.

I will move back to one of the original themes of this blog site:  Divorce Recovery.

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Divorce was decided unilaterally on October 1, 2015.

By July 2016 the courts ruled my relationship status was “restored to single”.

My longing to be in union with a life partner was somewhat pacified by a friend (Man #2) for a while, but by the end of 2016 it was clear there were too many bumps in that road.  Also around that time John and I managed to settle all things financial.

2017 I ventured out beyond my comfort zone and met Man #3 which also led to a bumpy road.

By July 2018 one man was irritating me, one man was not talking to me, and one man was confusing me.  And yet all I wanted was a man.  uggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

John started a relationship in July 2018 that just screamed to me, “You are a LOSER Maria!”  (I know, I hear you now….telling me I am not a loser….but it’s part of the story…don’t worry, it gets better.)

Somewhere between July and December I went into a steep emotional decline.  I was blowing up all over the place.  Every little thing was shooting me off an emotional ledge and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital where I got the care I needed.

In December and January something came over me…..something swept over me like the wind…..was it…..the Holy Spirit?  It could be that the irritating one has become nice.  It could be that the confusing one speaks with vibrant clarity now.  It could be that the silence of the other is exactly what I need.  It could be the intense counseling, the prayers of my friends, or the increased medication.

Or it could be that I am doing what several of you have been urging so strongly….I have been growing in relationship with me.  I am learning to love me!  And it could not have happened if a pacifier filled the void I needed to fill myself.

So….for now, let me end with the song that kind of says it better than I can:

How ’bout getting off these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

 

Thank you!

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