Thank You Alanis

I will move on from going through the various Fruits of the Spirit.

I will move back to one of the original themes of this blog site:  Divorce Recovery.

**********

Divorce was decided unilaterally on October 1, 2015.

By July 2016 the courts ruled my relationship status was “restored to single”.

My longing to be in union with a life partner was somewhat pacified by a friend (Man #2) for a while, but by the end of 2016 it was clear there were too many bumps in that road.  Also around that time John and I managed to settle all things financial.

2017 I ventured out beyond my comfort zone and met Man #3 which also led to a bumpy road.

By July 2018 one man was irritating me, one man was not talking to me, and one man was confusing me.  And yet all I wanted was a man.  uggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

John started a relationship in July 2018 that just screamed to me, “You are a LOSER Maria!”  (I know, I hear you now….telling me I am not a loser….but it’s part of the story…don’t worry, it gets better.)

Somewhere between July and December I went into a steep emotional decline.  I was blowing up all over the place.  Every little thing was shooting me off an emotional ledge and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital where I got the care I needed.

In December and January something came over me…..something swept over me like the wind…..was it…..the Holy Spirit?  It could be that the irritating one has become nice.  It could be that the confusing one speaks with vibrant clarity now.  It could be that the silence of the other is exactly what I need.  It could be the intense counseling, the prayers of my friends, or the increased medication.

Or it could be that I am doing what several of you have been urging so strongly….I have been growing in relationship with me.  I am learning to love me!  And it could not have happened if a pacifier filled the void I needed to fill myself.

So….for now, let me end with the song that kind of says it better than I can:

How ’bout getting off these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

 

Thank you!

6 thoughts on “Thank You Alanis

  1. I mourn for your suffering…in all the ways you have suffered; I mourn that our path of following Christ is a path of suffering; I rejoice in our having a Savior who walks the path of suffering with us.
    “The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;
    The Lord is enthroned as King forever;
    The Lord gives strength to his people;
    The Lord blesses his people with peace.”

    I am grateful you are learning to love yourself—your gift of grace to others finding a home in your own heart. You are loved so very much.

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    • Been thinking of your comment…the part that says “our path of following Jesus is a path of suffering”….. I don’t think God or Jesus ask us to suffer. I don’t think Jesus HAD to suffer and die on a cross. We have every chance to make the right choices….but WE choose pride and fear and greed and idols over Jesus. The institutional church has the message wrong…..it’s there in The Word…..when we give up our lives of greed and fear and pride and idols, when we die to those things we live a life of Jesus which is all the fruits of the spirit. It’s right under our noses. It’s been there all along….the message just got warped. For my friends who don’t know Jesus, I had to say this…..Jesus doesn’t ask us to suffer. God/Jesus/The Spirit didn’t incarnate to show us how to suffer. The incarnation was our chance to see what it means to live….and those of us who choose idols and fear and pride and greed, we changed the course of history. I’m pretty sure you would agree Claire, but words are powerful….and well, this has been ruminating in my being all day. thanks.

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  2. YES to all this! I’d make the hands forming a picture-perfect sign if I could figure that out my laptop 🙂 LOVE that you love you. And I have often thought that we are taught in so many ways in so many forms to not love ourselves, women especially, to love other things and others above all else. That’s not a Jesus thing; that’s an us thing. It takes a lot of undoing, a lot of learning and processing to love us – as these lyrics beautifully lay out. There’s a line in Sex and the City where a character says something like “I’m going to say the thing you’re not supposed to say: I love me.” A lot more context there but I love the boldness and courage in saying: I love me. Love wins – that’s the God and Jesus takeaway, I think.
    P.S. Have you heard Alanis’ Jagged Little Pill is being turned into a musical?! https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/28/theater/alanis-morissette-jagged-little-pill-musical-broadway.html

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    • Thanks Sarah….it runs soooooo deep, the messages that it’s wrong to love ourselves. Since posting “Thank You Alanis” I put judgement right back on my love of self. Today I had a tough day at work and spoke out with my emotions and I keep speaking shame to myself about how unattractive I am. I would never say such negative things to others as I do to myself. So hearing from you is an encouragement to move forward. sigh. Yep….I have heard about Alanis’ musical….woo hoo!

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