Someone asked, “Who was that last post about?”
(I started THIS post the day after the “Sock” post…..I started to go down a winding rabbit trail, so I had to restart this entry.)
It wasn’t about one specific person.
It was about moving forward – without knowing if it is time yet.
The socks are about hopes (true hopes, false hopes, long held hopes, hopes that have outlived their usefulness, hopes that have just about faded to nothing).
In earlier posts I wrote about the emotional sadness, emptiness, and pain I experienced waking up alone in the morning.
I no longer wake up in the morning with an emotional sadness and a physical pain.
For so much of the time when I did wake up with pain, Gray would sense my awake-ness and quietly sit on my chest. I would feel the weight of Gray on me and have a physical sense that I was not alone.
Somewhere over the last 5 months I woke up and realized that sadness and pain were gone. In their place was calm and happiness. I wake up so happy to be in my home. Gray doesn’t need to sit on my chest….and funny thing is….he doesn’t anymore. He’s been spending his mornings looking out our front window.
He’s my angel cat. I met him walking the labyrinth at Mercy Center Auburn.
Somewhere over the last 5 months the sadness and pain left. Perhaps because I was going through a process of withdrawal from the early morning greetings Man #2 used to send to me. Perhaps I’m so worn down from the perceived criticism of Man types, I’m just happy to not give a $^&*#* any more. Perhaps somewhere over the last five months I began the process of releasing hope that a man could make me want to be alive, could bring me joy, could fix me. Perhaps somewhere over the last five months my effort to fix things with Man 1, 2, and 3 gave way to a focus on fixing my home. New curtains adorn my windows, gutters are being cleared of YEARS of dirt sediment that had them clogged, leaves raked, cobwebs brushed down. Now here are things I CAN FIX!
The Labyrinth – Just Take the Next Step Forward
I started this post on March 3rd…and since then a couple of significant things have started to develop for me. Both things are still in uncertain stage.
In the early days of “Bearing Fruit”, I wrote that I had a feeling that all of the confusion of divorce would some day make sense. I voiced that WHEN I was still in the pitch darkness. I THOUGHT I knew how things would work out, but I was wrong. Things worked out in a different and BETTER way.
Regardless of how the two significant things develop, I am happy and peaceful and joyful and calm.
I was listening to this song several times in my car today (meaning back on March 3rd):
- I remember singing it in junior high school choir
- Like so many songs it can be a love song and a worship song
- THIS line…..”just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed, that with the sun’s love, in the spring becomes the rose.”
I was going to post some fake YouTube video of the song here…but in looking for a version I came upon a description from the writer of the song lyrics. If you have a minute, read her story about The Rose.