Dreams

I had a dream this morning.

I was watching the marching band practice – probably inspired by the disappointing news that Cole’s marching band will miss their last competition of the season due to the bad air quality in our city.  I was on the field watching the band.  I pushed myself to a far corner of the field, under a large piece of fabric that made me feel like I was sitting in a tent looking out.

As the band broke up a girl (a real girl from band, I know her face though not her name) came to sit by me.  She told me she wanted my advice.

She liked this boy (a real boy, I know his face and name and personality) and they had been going together but broke up.  She told me the boy was indicating that he was interested in dating again but she didn’t know if she should.  She wondered what I thought.

In my dream in my mind I thought to myself about the three men who have come and gone in the last three years.  I sighed and let myself feel the empty pit in my stomach (oh wait, that is me at this moment) and took a breath.  I told this sweet young girl,

“It really has to be up to you.  I can’t answer that for you.  But I can tell you this, men are just really different.  We may put all of our hearts into love, but they are different.  They can put things into compartments and they can shut things off.  If I can tell you anything dear one, it is this, please please please don’t take it personally.  It isn’t you sweet beautiful girl.  It isn’t about you.  You are beautiful.  If you go back into love, go knowing he may leave, but it isn’t your fault.”  

At which point she realized she needed to go….so she ran off and I sat under the tent as I realized everyone on the field was gone.

Then the dream turned to a restaurant scene.  My dad was there.  I had to go through a Peter Pan type Disneyland ride to get there.

And I woke up.

And wished I knew what the dream-me knows.

But I don’t.

I deeply lament.

I wake up alone again.  No one tells me goodnight ever.  No one tells me good morning ever.

I don’t think it will ever change.

I am tired.

I lament.

I am tired.

I am.

I.

I am.

I am me.

I am beautiful me.

(please don’t worry for me or try to fix me…writing and knowing you all read this and are with me in this difficult journey with your own heartaches and struggles and pains…that is what heals me.  I do love you all.)