I look forward to every other Friday night.
My every other Friday night routine is this: leave work and endure the worst traffic of the week (east bound, Hwy 80, over the causeway from Davis, down 99), watch 5:30 national news, do 6:30 yoga, grab takeout from Panda, eat dinner while watching Antiques Roadshow, clean up and end the night with PBS News Hour (specifically the discussion of Shields and Brooks).
Divorce recovery is one of the threads of this blog.
I am still recovering. When I started this blog I told myself and others, “This divorce does not make sense. My life does not make sense. Yet I have trust that it will all make sense.”
I thought by NOW it would make sense.
I thought by now I would have found the love of my life and it would all make sense.
It doesn’t make sense, but there are clues.
Clue #1…providentially….this angel came into my life about the time of the divorce. I vividly remember taking John to a doctor’s appointment after he blew out his knee. (when he blew out his knee I rushed to the park where he was and the ambulance driver referred to John as “my husband”. I snarled under my breath that he was not my husband….but figured it wasn’t the moment to debate the details of this word selection.) Anyway, this angel contacted me as I was sitting in the waiting room of John’s doctor. The angel was a man I knew my Freshman year at college. He did not spark romantic flames, but he was the one who told me, “Maria, you need to be in a relationship with yourself before you can be in a relationship with someone else.”
So this song became my anthem:
It all doesn’t make sense and my mind is working overtime to understand how I can be 49 and 2/3 years old, divorced, living in a house by myself.
This is sort of what it is like to be inside my head:
Gosh there is a lot of traffic. Oh remember that time you were in traffic and you ended up in the mental hospital? I guess it’s all good. Wait did I take my medication this morning? Gosh why did I go to that meeting last night? You know you go and then you talk and then you spend the rest of your life thinking how stupid you are. But that is who I am. I don’t want to change who I am. Did I change the laundry? Change the laundry? What does that even mean? You’re gonna be alone forever and you are never going to be happy. I am happy, be quiet. I am at more peace than ever. Sure you are. I need to jump off a bridge. Where is the yarn? I like being by myself. I think I am finally happy. Happy? You’ll never be happy. Yes I will. Where is the yarn and why did I go to the meeting last night? Because you think you matter, you don’t. Yes you do…you know it, stop being stupid……
Now contrast that to what happens when I go to yoga:
Breathe in deep…………………….
light music, dim lights, soft voice. ….breathe………
left leg forward, right leg back, balance…..balance…..balance…..eye focus on floor…. balance.
sweat droplet gathering on my temple. Downward dog, sweat sliding off my….temple, splash, on my mat…..hold, breathe. calm calm
Divorce (any kind of emotional) recovery Tip #1. When your mind keeps going into overdrive of ENDLESS thoughts, consider yoga. Good for your body, good for your mind, good for your soul. Take it at your own pace, don’t compare to others, when in doubt go to child’s pose.
Tonight’s peak pose: King Pigeon
Namaste, incense, sleep. Good night my loves. Sleep well. Another day for love opportunities abound tomorrow.