Don’t Mistake Surviving for Thriving

Warning:  Raw emotions with some bad language.  Read at your own risk.  John, don’t read if you are going to use this against me.  Sorry Mom.

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Benjamin went on his first road trip with a carload of his friends today.  I am so happy for his friendships.  I love his group.

I wish I could have seen them off.

I called him last night and asked him to text me when he left.  He didn’t remember to text me.  It’s OK.  I hope he has fun.

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John texted me:

J:  Ur child just left with all hooligans on first road trip.  9:45 am

deep breath….grrrr….must be great for you, John, that you get to see him off, while I live here in exile 20 minutes away.

M:  Fucking great dude.  I fucking HATE that I can’t be at YOUR house to see him off. …

delete, delete, delete, delete

M:  Thanks.  I appreciate the update.

J:  Of course.  Dude, packed car.  Three in back.

M:  I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!

delete, delete, delete, delete

J:  Luckily they r all thin.

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Don’t mistake surviving for thriving.

It may look to the outside world that I’ve got things together…but the words and emotions I delete before they can reach the outside world are not so pretty.

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For the last year I had been waking up with a painful sense of aloneness.

Two days ago I realized that the “painful sense of aloneness” was gone.  It left silently. It didn’t say a thing, it just left.  I think it left as an answer to my prayers.  I think it left because I continue to work to get better.  I think it left because I am hanging in and I will persist longer than the pain.

This morning I woke up, noticed it was gone, and noticed something different was in its place.  I didn’t wake up with a painful sense of aloneness, but something was there.  I can’t name it yet.

It’s Saturday so I decided to read in bed for a bit.  I haven’t had time to read much so doing this felt like a little luxury.  As I read I realized that reading could bump out that indescribable, unnamable thing I was feeling.

Maybe…if when I wake up, I go straight to a book, it will keep my awareness AWAY from that thing,  (I am numbing myself with a book.  It may be what I need to survive this stage.)

Don’t mistake surviving for thriving.

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I want to thrive.

I will thrive.

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  1.  For the outside world (You, my blog readers, are my confidants.  I tell you my inner secrets.  I know some of your own struggles…so I write as much to say, “I see you!” as I write to say, “See me.”) I need to keep up the positive face.  I wish we could all be 100% true all the time.  But really, the world can’t handle it.  We can’t go around saying everything we are thinking all the time.  Restraint can be good.
  2. I am very thankful for the excessive blessings I have in my life.  I really am thankful. I got John’s texts as I was doing a long run/walk.  Training for my third half marathon has begun.  As I walked I reminded myself that I JUST finished a full week with my boys.  I got to spend every waking hour with them for a full week.  I am absolutely thankful.
  3. In the whole scheme of the world, I can get over this.  I just read part of an interview with the actress Emilia Clarke.  She was lamenting how her fame has made her recognizable and how she can no longer do simple things alone:

…and she misses the mundane pleasures of, say, running errands for her mother.  “What I get most heartbroken about is that those opportunities are almost completely gone.”  Then she catches herself, and apologizes for moaning about the “champagne problems” of fame.  “If I were reading this I’d be like, ‘Cheer the fuck up, love.'”

So I am surviving well.

AND…

I get internally upset when people assume I chose to divorce or I chose to move out of our family home or I chose to go to a different church.  I get internally upset when people think this is easy or better for me.  Gosh…there was a whole other part of this blog I was going to write in which I was going to bash on the factors and people who I BLAME for my aloneness….but just being able to write a bit has relieved me of the need to rehash the past.

Thank you for listening my dear friends.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for texts and prayers and shared moments and listening and so much.

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As I was writing….dear Sarah texted me and directed me to some music.  When I was in my summer of chemo she gave me a Natalie Maines CD.  When I listen to that music now I am reminded of the immense love I felt from so many people that summer.  She also gave me Brandi Carlile album.  And now she directed me to Florence and the Machine’s new album, here is one song “Hunger”.

At seventeen, I started to starve myself
I thought that love was a kind of emptiness
And at least I understood then the hunger I felt
And I didn’t have to call it loneliness
We all have a hunger
We all have a hunger
We all have a hunger
We all have a hunger
The hunger is desire.
The hunger is perhaps what The Divine has placed within us to bring us to the place where we DO thrive and flourish.

WHAT…what if….what if….I AM thriving?

Perhaps I need to tell myself, “Maria, don’t mistake thriving for surviving.”
God works in amazing and mysterious ways.
Don’t numb the morning feeling…”the hunger I felt and I didn’t have to call it loneliness.”